Friday, January 21, 2011

Wedding Withdrawl

I've been a little bit sad lately. My dad and sister left to go back home two weeks ago and that same day my mom, the little adventurure that she is, took off to explore the South of Chile, something that she is presently still doing. It seems that since November, things have constantly been "go go go" with new and exciting things happening every minute. My family and friends came from Canada the first week of December, and since I was barely working, we had the whole week before my wedding to just do fun things together and I had the chance to get completely spoiled by everyone. We went to dinners or lunches every day; we went for drinks; I took everyone walking all over Santiago; we woke up in the mornings and had long breakfasts together drinking cup after cup of coffee over fun laid back and silly conversations, most of which revolved around my wedding. And it didn't stop after the wedding. After E and I went on our one week mini honeymoon at the beach, I continued to work little and spend as much time as possible with my family. We even went to the beach for a week together, along with another good friend of mine. It was so nice having them here with me and it was also so great to have life be exciting 24/7 for a while.

Ever since everyone left two weeks ago, I've been kind of down and in yet another state of limbo. It's January, which means that summer is in full swing here in Chile. It also means that I have almost zero classes since most of my students are on vacation. It's so hard adjusting to a "normal" life again. Waking up and not having much to do, not having a stable job, and not having any way to improve myself or to contribute to society. It's also hard feeling that I'm not contributing at all financially to life with E. I promised myself that after the wedding I would start looking for a "real" job and I have started, I just haven't really gotten anywhere. I'll admit it, I don't really like teaching English anymore which is why I'm trying to find something different and more stable. I used to think I did but I've realized that I've grown out of it. So it's difficult accepting doing something i'm not that interested in, which will not contribute in any way to my professional development in my chosen career direction. I've never been in a situation where I'm not constantly challenging and improving myself. I've been in school my whole life until last year and now I feel like I'm wasting time doing nothing. To make matters worse, it's summer, and freaking hot, and I hate it. I absolutely hate going outside in the 30 plus degree heat and trudging around from class to class arriving to each one sweating like a pig. As I've already established various times in this blog, I'm a winter person, and I function optimally in cool weather.

I hate to be so negative and so down, I guess it's just one of those days, but it feels good to write about it and organize my thoughts. I realize that the main reason I'm feeling this way is because I just experienced a major life event, marriage, which consisted of 1.5 months of fun and excitement 24/7, and then just two weeks ago it all ended and I'm back to square one, wondering what I'm going to do with my life. Last year I was able to push this question to the back of my mind since wedding planning took over everything else and I wasn't really thinking of much beyond that, but now it's time to get serious. What am I going to do here? I can't really ignore this question anymore. And with each day that is passing I'm feeling more and more useless and desperate to find something for me to do. At the same time, I can see that E is worried about me too. He knows me and knows that I need to have a purpose in life and I need to challenge myself and sitting around not having the chance todo something meaningful could end up with me feeling like....well, feeling like this.

I don't want to be too dramatic, I know it's not the end of the world, I know I'll find something, I just hope I find something I like, relatively speaking, and that I find it soon. At the same time I miss my family and I miss the fun and excitement of December, that month when everyone was here and the wedding was just around the corner. I guess I'm having a little bit of wedding this normal? I guess another reason I'm disecting my life right now and feeling a little down is because my 25th birthday is just around the corner. I still can't believe I'll be a quarter of a century old and It worries me that I still have no clue as to what to do with my life. Sigh...

Okay, this post is getting way too depressing so I'll sign off for now. Next week when my mom comes back from her trip and spoils me rotten for her final week here I'll feel all better :) That is until she leaves next Saturday and then I'll have absolutely no more family in Chile and will be back to square one lol. So optimistic I know ha ha. Next post will be a happy one! Promise!